Losing

I've been remembering you, today more than ever, and I don't know why. A while now I've been having this feeling that I should have shown you more love, because I really loved you and I believe you didn't knew it. I didn't either, until I lost you. Between a lot of things, I really regret not having loved you more before and somehow when I lost you, I lost everybody else too... and only loneliness has been my true friend these past few months. Sometimes I wish I could travel back in time and change all for the better, because even those good times we spent together were not enough. You deserved more from me and I didn't give it to you. Losing you has been the hardest thing that I have had to accept in my entire life. Remembering you is easy and I do it everyday, I swear. But missing you is the heartache that never goes away. 

Some people say you don't know what you've got until it's gone, but the truth is that I knew what 

I had... I just never thought I would lose it. I never thought I would lose you. And I regret so many things today. I wish you could be right here with me now. Because maybe you don't know it, but your absense has altered my life forever. I no longer feel pain and there are a few new people in my life, but the gap you left never closes. It's a hole in my heart that has your shape and no one else can fit it. I wish someone had warned me before that I would lose people in my life. I feel that no matter how much time I spent with you or how much I appreciate you and told you so, it never seems like it was enough.

Some guy said once that something we should know about losing someone we love is that they don't travel alone because we go with them. And somehow, I feel that my spirit is with you and yours is with me at the same time. You're with me always, I'm never alone, but I still miss you so much. I have really tried to hide this feeling from others, but the more I hide them, the more they grow. New different and beautiful memories from you come to my mind every single day. And those memories are the only ones that comfort me. When I'm all alone with them, feeling this kind of mixture between happiness and sorrow, is when I know that I'm not really that alone, because somehow you never left me.

Learning.

It's been a long time since I wrote here, and I think it must be because I haven't had mind, time or will to think or meditate in anything. I used to meditate a lot before writing something and I no longer like to meditate too much... or maybe I like it, but I prefer to leave the conclusions I get only for me (what a selfish thought). The thing is that lots of times I have visited my other blog and reread its entries, for if the little bug of writing bit me once and inspired me. But it never happened. However, a few things got into my head that my own past self was teaching me while I read. So many, but SO MANY things has happened. Every life is a bestseller novel of a famous bookshop in each one's world, it's true, and that entire blog is my own novel.

Not so long ago I celebrated my daughter's birthday. It wasn't a normal celebration, talking in a more spiritual sense. Yes, we celebrated her birthday, but more than that, that day marked one year of many things. Besides giving birth a daughter, one year ago I lost my best friend, I passed my exams and I lost friends, and I laughed and I cried. Even some of those things that are important in the moment, but that never again become important happened. Thinking about all of that now that it's 2.27AM of this ugly Tuesday, I remembered old friends and people of my "past" that is not so past because I am not that older. But past or not, is people that is no longer in my present and may never be in my future.

I confess that more than once I have thought about them, and almost always are the same people. They being almost always the same people reaffirms my theory that they would not become part of my present again. And it is sad to know that once they were my friends and I loved them, but even if we speak again or try to establish our friendship again, there are so many years in between that it wouldn't be the same because we are not the same. We have grown, we have matured and we have been through different experiences that pull us away from what we once had in common. They pull us away even more than the problems or misunderstandings that separated us in the first place.

But I have talked about this in that same blog. I have talked about it many times and must be because I have lost many friends in that way. I have talked about it, I have meditated about it, I have cried about it and I even outraged blaming those friends for moving away and not value what they say they valued. Perhaps it was my fault that they moved away, but I blamed them and inside me I comfort myself with what I wrote in that moment and I said NO to forgiveness or to try to talk to them again. But, outraged, not asking for forgiveness or communicate, why? I never knew why they moved away, but I didn't want to know and I only locked myself and I turned the page over, and because of that now and always I keep remembering those friends because I never knew what happened, and even though I tried to ignore it writing stuff, that chapter of my novel was left open.

Since my best friend died, the only thing I can remember from all the things she told me months before, was that she had learned with her disease that it was better to do and say the things before it was too late. I regret not having considered those words until today. I feel that by following her advice, it would not cost me very much to talk to those persons and ask them why we are like we are and not like we were. Maybe we will start to talk again, to befriend or to remember old times. Who knows? Maybe nothing will happen or they won't even explain their version of why we moved away from each other. Maybe they will get mad, ignore me or not give a damn. Maybe a lot of things, but in the end I would be the one who gave the step, the one who tried, risked and didn't lose anything. In fact, today I learned that nothing is worthless in this world, neither decisions nor risks, for good or bad they may be... not even words are worthless, because even when my best friend is no longer here, her words and advices shine in my memory until this very day.