Help me.

I regret everything I did and everything I didn't do too. I've been regretting it since forever. I want to make things better. I want to mend what perhaps I broke. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to remember you through others, not all by myself. I want to share all the feelings I have locked inside me. Help me to recover what I lost. Help me to understand and be understood. Help me to wake up my soul and give everything to people, even though they give me nothing back. Help me to be myself again. Help me to get them back. Help me to get back to you. 

Stupid.

I'm stupid. Stupid and pathetic. I was about to say that I miss you, and that I wish you were here so I could tell you all what I suffer. Then, less than a second later, I realized that even with you here I wouldn't say anything related to it. I've always had this strange feeling that nobody would believe my hurts are real. That my heart hurts once in a while, for no reason at all. But even though, I wish you were here, at least to forget what I'm feeling right now. Love you always.

Lonelier.

Today I feel lonelier than ever. It has been said that one's love cannot be one's friend at the same time... but besides him, I have no friend in the whole world. Today I realized that if I lose him, I lose all the little friendliness I have. And there is when I miss you. At least you counted as a friend, because even when we barely spoke in the end, I know you would have listened to me if I asked you so. Or maybe I just miss you because I have nobody else to miss. I really would like to see you again... to dream about you once... to have the opportunity to talk to you and tell you all the things I regret. I really would like to know if you still consider me your friend... I miss you so much.

Disappointment.

The past doesn't stop being only because it is past. The things I did, the words I said, the people I loved... all that HAPPENED and is there. It existed. It was real. It is really unfair that people reject you just because that past is no longer real. Do you think I changed you for others? Do you think I preferred others before you? Do you think that I was happy while I was away from you? Let me ilustrate the truth: I wasn't happy. I didn't enjoyed being away. I suffered, I cried and gave up all kinds of faith because I stopped believing in something better than this. I was alone. Completely alone. And I never understood why you always got angry because I didn't look for you when I had free time... but sometimes people need to be needed. I needed to feel that I was a requirement for someone's happiness. And if the people who are the reason why I'm writing this do not believe in what I'm saying, I invite them to see how my life is these days. Because no one needs me today and I'm still all by myself.

Losing

I've been remembering you, today more than ever, and I don't know why. A while now I've been having this feeling that I should have shown you more love, because I really loved you and I believe you didn't knew it. I didn't either, until I lost you. Between a lot of things, I really regret not having loved you more before and somehow when I lost you, I lost everybody else too... and only loneliness has been my true friend these past few months. Sometimes I wish I could travel back in time and change all for the better, because even those good times we spent together were not enough. You deserved more from me and I didn't give it to you. Losing you has been the hardest thing that I have had to accept in my entire life. Remembering you is easy and I do it everyday, I swear. But missing you is the heartache that never goes away. 

Some people say you don't know what you've got until it's gone, but the truth is that I knew what 

I had... I just never thought I would lose it. I never thought I would lose you. And I regret so many things today. I wish you could be right here with me now. Because maybe you don't know it, but your absense has altered my life forever. I no longer feel pain and there are a few new people in my life, but the gap you left never closes. It's a hole in my heart that has your shape and no one else can fit it. I wish someone had warned me before that I would lose people in my life. I feel that no matter how much time I spent with you or how much I appreciate you and told you so, it never seems like it was enough.

Some guy said once that something we should know about losing someone we love is that they don't travel alone because we go with them. And somehow, I feel that my spirit is with you and yours is with me at the same time. You're with me always, I'm never alone, but I still miss you so much. I have really tried to hide this feeling from others, but the more I hide them, the more they grow. New different and beautiful memories from you come to my mind every single day. And those memories are the only ones that comfort me. When I'm all alone with them, feeling this kind of mixture between happiness and sorrow, is when I know that I'm not really that alone, because somehow you never left me.

Elliðaey.

  There are people that need company and others that need loneliness. Sometimes you need both. Without being unsocial, I think that sometimes the best company that we can have is ourselves. When we meditate deeply and succeed in trying to establish a conversation with our internal being, we may get surprised when discovering that we are the ones that best understand and advice us. I must say that I prefer loneliness over company, in any moment or place: the bus, home, the streets. There is no more perfect moment to meditate, achieve conclusions that you didn't see at first sight and talk with yourself. You realize so many things.

 This is a picture of Elliðaey island in an Iceland archipelago. There is nothing more in that island than a lonely house inhabited by no one. Hundreds of years ago, that house was used by families that lived from fishing and livestock, and in 1930 the house was inhabited by the last time. Nowadays, it is a refugee for local hunters looking for puffins, a local bird.

  It is not necessary that loneliness like in Elliðaey to find ourselves, but we can bring our own Elliðaey home to find us. This blog will be my Elliðaey for now.